Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
