Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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