Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
