Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
