fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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