But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
