Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
