Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
