i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
