and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
