I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
40s are totally the cure
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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