hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
