i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Randomize
