i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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