I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
