Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
