i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
