just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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