The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
