I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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