i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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