look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
