she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
