halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
