So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
