Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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