im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
