you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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