my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
