Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
