God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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