yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
