I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
