i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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