Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
