My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
