I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
