I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
