smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
