He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
