It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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