Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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