Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
