Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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