Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
