He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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