Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
