Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
