apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
