so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
