I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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