I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
